There are certain things I wish I could do over. Being a better mother in the beginning is by far one of them. I became an instant mom as a bonus mom. Then less than 2yrs after I gave birth to our daughter. 

When I look back my kids got the rest of me. They did. After working in a fast paced stressful environment that I felt stifled in, where I felt I wasn’t growing in as a person. 

They (my kids) got what I had left which was the bare minimum. And no I wasn’t the worst but I wasn’t my best. That’s tough to share but looking back I can say that. Just as many women who are still trying to be THE BEST mom but always feel like they’re failing no matter what they do. I felt like so many people were judging me (oh and they were) watching me, heck I judged me. I compared myself to other moms. But what I should’ve been more focused on was ME. If I wanted to be better I should’ve focused on BETTERING ME. At all costs.

Queens YOU are your BEST investment. 

We can’t be better moms, wives, coaches, (insert your titles here) if we don’t focus on bettering the spirit of said person within first. Also if there are underlying things that need to be dealt with.

So I began focusing on bettering myself. 

Focused on my wellbeing. 

Focused on my perception of what mothering meant, why I thought I was falling short and how it correlated to who I am. I starting mommying the way I knew how. 

Instead of believing I didn’t measure up. I just showed up more. I put myself out there. Even when I knew I’d get hurt, fall short. I gave myself grace.

My family, my children began getting the best of me when I started BEING my best. 

I started being my BEST. When I started FEELING my best. I started feeling my best when I started going INWARD. Leaning INWARD. I began saying YES more to my well-being. 

I challenged everything I knew about me. More prayer. Spiritual fasts. I ate differently. I became more consistent in my workouts, my nutrition, what I watched, the books I read, the ENERGY I welcomed into my space.

It was a decision to go passed the surface level. To keep doing the work and stop searching outside of myself and knowing that whatever it is I wanted to be better at I could be but I had to be willing to do the work and be WILLING to go passed the surfaces and perceptions and the judgment and guilt. 

This made all the difference and allowed me to grow and make mistakes without being myself up about it. 

Above all else I had to realize my BEST would look different each and everyday and acknowledging that, honoring that has been so comforting and freeing and has allowed me to grow into and more towards my best mothering self. 

Now I don’t really GAF what anyone has to say, (not as much as I use to) or what anyone thinks. People will judge the crap out of you and still got a whole pile of stuff within their own lives and relationships that they need to focus on and remedy yet don’t. 

Everyone has their own work to do. Everyone.

Honestly I thought the first video I’d post of my daughter Journee would be one of immaculate lighting so you can see how intricately laid her edges are and how gorgeous her light and spirit is but I just catch these moments whenever they happen. Unrehearsed most times I’m in another room and hear her and see she’s with her baby sister. Or her baby as she calls her.  

All I can do is thank God. That’s all I can do. I was attempting to clean up the house. Folding laundry (still not done) Answering business emails. Been in my workout clothes hoped to get a workout in..hasn’t happened yet. Repotting my plants (cause that brings me joy even though I don’t know what I’m doing) and Aria☀️ was having a fit just crying. Journee literally walked through the door, changed her clothes (cause we don’t do the outside clothes business in this house 😂)  and picks her up and just sings her to soothe and calm her.  I was wiping down the counters and grabbed my phone to capture this. It was too good.  Blessed beyond belief. Blessed beyond these mom tears. 

Having a teenager is TOUGH. Being a mom period isn’t easy.  I want her to be her FULL self as a black Goddess in this sometimes cruel world.  To give her space to be herself and to speak up and often because again this world may only always want to hear what she has to say. Sometimes as a mom/ bonus mom I feel like I can never get it right. I chose to work from home almost two years ago cause I wanted to be more PRESENT.  I wanted to do a new thing as God was (is) working a new thing in me daily.  Not that I wasn’t present working in corporate America but those stresses were messing with my mental health. I wanted to be able to be accessible at a drop of a dime. Make every game, practice, awards dinner, midday event be home at a decent time and before we did it all over again the next day all the things I missed or had to go through hoops just to get time off to be there for my kids. Feeling like I had to choose.  

It was a hard decision to go from two solid incomes to 1 and new entrepreneur sometimes winging it, sometimes winning, sometimes over it!  I had to believe in myself and my reason why. You’re looking at two of my reasons before you!  

Sometimes people just don’t want to believe in themselves. They’re okay with not being ok because they’re so use to it or it’s all they know. It’s what they saw their momma do or the father or aunties and I didn’t want that for my kids or myself.  I want my kids to know working hard looks different for everyone. To make hard choices and take risks to never live a life with regrets. 

Everyday I wake up and thank God for a new day, ask for clarity, strength, courage and willingness to show up. To be a beckon of light. To be a word, confirmation, inspiration, motivation. 

An example not to settle, not to give up, to be a reflection of what by faith looks like.