This chapter is all about diving deeper. Its led me to deciding love is all I want to offer. I’ve fought. I’ve defended. Ive offended. I’ve accumulated things and titles. I’ve denied myself and others of the highest level of love because love was a struggle. Love has been complicated. It has been a lot of red. It took me so many years, and hurts to realize love is not red hot but a cool shade of blue. Thank you Jada Pinkett Smith for this #gentlereminder 

For those who don’t know cause I never want to assume. I have been on this self love, wellness spiritual journey for some time now. I didn’t realize it’s been all my life. I thought this started about 12yrs ago before I had my son Axis. But recently I’ve been reminded that when you’ve felt unloved and have had to fight for nearly everything you have you begin to have this woe is me mentality and think fighting is part of love. Being confrontational and comparing pain is love. 

You begin thinking love through trauma is love and normalize it. But when get a taste of LOVE and it’s warmth or cooling off when that’s what you need you’re like oh shit I’ve had it all wrong. 

Like too many conditions. Too many restrictions. Can’t make mistakes. 

Referring back to my previous post about seeing oneself with the way God sees me/us. When you start looking at everything like that it’s totally blue and not red hot. 

Source has blessed me immensely. 

Self awareness can only be found from source energy. No matter how much you try to find it in relationships, friendships, in our children, our careers or things. 

Love is a journey. 

Love is letting someone just be who they are. Letting them find their way like you’re finding yours. Self love is saying what is me choosing this type of love say about me.

We’re all still learning and healing through a hurt, maybe a childhood trauma, learning and for those who choose to go deeper (daily) have choosing to recognize the depth and layers of our ego. 

You/WE are not the exception. We’re not special. Laying the sword down is crucial. Especially for my fighters. Or the wait let me explain type of person. Not defending. Not commanding or forcing. 

When you are seeking certain levels in understanding, in life conflict with present itself. It’s here to teach. Life is about learning. I’m learning it’s about accepting, it’s about being intentional and mindfully making choices. 

So much to learn. So much to let go off and unpack. And only one source to surrender to. And the right answer is always LOVE. 

Some questions that keep coming up for me and I’d love your feedback on is how has your definition of love impacted how you love and who you show up to be? 

What is it now teaching you? 

“I’m here to challenge processes by doing the work. Leaning into my spiritual beliefs, my culture, ready to share some beautiful traditions for the first 40 days and beyond. Because postpartum is forever. ”

— Cathleen Benjamin

Oct 2020 I declared that in 2021 I would become a doula. In January, I registered for a scholarship, which I ended up not getting. Then I saw a chance to win another scholarship for a virtual doula training which I really wanted to take and a cohort I thought I really wanted to be a part of. Again I didn’t get the scholarship. I thanked God for giving the scholarships to those who really needed them.  Perhaps they were more “ready” for this work than I.

End of February, another opportunity came up to register for yet another scholarship with another cohort. This time I heard back and the email read congratulations!! I would start 12 weeks of training only a few days later for a full-spectrum doula training. After completing the training in early June I registered and received another scholarship but this time for level 2 an Intensive Postpartum Doula Training. I’m so dang happy and excited about this. 

I told my husband he can now refer to me as a scholarship baddie. 😂 

In Sept 2020, I said to a friend that I was considering becoming an IBCLC providing lactation support. But after that day the doula idea weighed heavily on me.  It kept ringing in my ear. “You should do this.” I resisted it at first. I didn’t understand why I would be called to do this. But then I remembered why not? Why not Be what you needed or wish you had for someone else?

“So I fasted and called on my ancestors.”

So I fasted and I called on my ancestors.

FWD to 2019 I became fascinated with birth. I would watch births all day long. In total awe. Some made me shout and give God immediate praise. Others made me cry. 

I found myself watching them over and over. Holding my breath. Feeling all the feels while carrying Baby Moon 🌙 completely fascinated by it. I credited it to be pregnant. But this was not something I was able to do in the past or ever.

The first time I almost assisted birth was in 2006 with my godson. I walked in just to greet my cousin but I was asked to stay. Before I knew it I was holding the mother of his child’s legs apart and telling her to push. I didn’t get to see the entire birth as I only stopped in to say hello so btw contractions I made my way out to let other families go in to greet the soon-to-be parents.

With all my births I felt like I was alone. No one who looked like me, in my corner to advocate for me, who I could talk to about my fears, my excitement, my regrets without judgment. 

No one to help equip me with the knowledge that would make me feel empowered to give birth wherever I decided to give birth whether in a hospital, at home, or birthing center. I turned to mom groups but some of the things were toxic, very judgy, mean even and packed with stories of trauma so I chose to disengage for my own mental health.

When I had my first child I had a bout with postpartum depression and just went through the motions. I learned about how serious it could get watching The Oprah Winfrey Show back in 2005. 

With Baby Moon 🌙  at almost 25 wks, I changed my OBGYN. It was very clear that I wanted a black doctor because even if you lived under a rock you by now read a story about the soaring rates of black maternity mortality rates and those ideas began to surface for me. The explicit and implicit biases when treating black women. So I did what I knew I had to do. Also, I desired to have more options that the hospital would not give me. So we thought about home births, we settled on a beautiful birthing facility over 45mins out of town to get the birth we desired. Hubby wanted a lotus birth. I wanted a water birth. Dreamed of it we got all the things but at 36weeks 5 days found out Baby Moon 🌙 was breech transverse and that our plans may be derailed. 

This time I felt safe and cared for and felt like they listened to me and my concerns. Even when I scheduled my c-section there was so much compassion on the other end of the line when the office manager called me to schedule my cesarean birth. 

Before the office manager, my Dr called while on vacation with her family, on a Saturday morning and her voice was so soothing I broke down. I sobbed so hard and loud and she just listened when I got quiet she affirmed me and spoke life over me. I don’t know that many have stories that play out like this. 

I want to make my future clients feel SEEN, understood, supported, and empowered.

This is the most beautiful and most sacred work that I am walking ever so empowered into. 

Now also a full spectrum doula in training I will be specializing in the sacredness and forgotten part of birth which is postpartum healing. I’m here to be part of the change I wish to see. 

I’m here to challenge processes by doing the work. Interpersonal work. Leaning into my spiritual beliefs, my culture, and ready to share some beautiful traditions for the first 40 days and beyond. Because postpartum is forever.

Leaning on my ancestors HEAVILY for this world I’m entering.

My healing, transformative journey has unleashed a wellness warrior and advocate and I’m here to help empower support love on some birthing families. 

Allow me to continuously re-introduce myself as your wellness advocate, holistic wellness accountability coach, and now full spectrum doula (in training). 

ONWARD!!! Let’s Grow

There are certain things I wish I could do over. Being a better mother in the beginning is by far one of them. I became an instant mom as a bonus mom. Then less than 2yrs after I gave birth to our daughter. 

When I look back my kids got the rest of me. They did. After working in a fast paced stressful environment that I felt stifled in, where I felt I wasn’t growing in as a person. 

They (my kids) got what I had left which was the bare minimum. And no I wasn’t the worst but I wasn’t my best. That’s tough to share but looking back I can say that. Just as many women who are still trying to be THE BEST mom but always feel like they’re failing no matter what they do. I felt like so many people were judging me (oh and they were) watching me, heck I judged me. I compared myself to other moms. But what I should’ve been more focused on was ME. If I wanted to be better I should’ve focused on BETTERING ME. At all costs.

Queens YOU are your BEST investment. 

We can’t be better moms, wives, coaches, (insert your titles here) if we don’t focus on bettering the spirit of said person within first. Also if there are underlying things that need to be dealt with.

So I began focusing on bettering myself. 

Focused on my wellbeing. 

Focused on my perception of what mothering meant, why I thought I was falling short and how it correlated to who I am. I starting mommying the way I knew how. 

Instead of believing I didn’t measure up. I just showed up more. I put myself out there. Even when I knew I’d get hurt, fall short. I gave myself grace.

My family, my children began getting the best of me when I started BEING my best. 

I started being my BEST. When I started FEELING my best. I started feeling my best when I started going INWARD. Leaning INWARD. I began saying YES more to my well-being. 

I challenged everything I knew about me. More prayer. Spiritual fasts. I ate differently. I became more consistent in my workouts, my nutrition, what I watched, the books I read, the ENERGY I welcomed into my space.

It was a decision to go passed the surface level. To keep doing the work and stop searching outside of myself and knowing that whatever it is I wanted to be better at I could be but I had to be willing to do the work and be WILLING to go passed the surfaces and perceptions and the judgment and guilt. 

This made all the difference and allowed me to grow and make mistakes without being myself up about it. 

Above all else I had to realize my BEST would look different each and everyday and acknowledging that, honoring that has been so comforting and freeing and has allowed me to grow into and more towards my best mothering self. 

Now I don’t really GAF what anyone has to say, (not as much as I use to) or what anyone thinks. People will judge the crap out of you and still got a whole pile of stuff within their own lives and relationships that they need to focus on and remedy yet don’t. 

Everyone has their own work to do. Everyone.

One things for sure if I’ve learned anything or if I needed ANY confirmation about how determined and persistent I am it has been confirmed for sure.  OH & Baby Moon 🌙 is her mother’s child. And she might have also saved my life. I had the most conscious and connected pregnancy with little Miss Soleil. She was so good to me.  All throughout my pregnancy I exercised and moved my body at least 3-4 times a week.  I ate all the sorbets and lobster tails a girl could ask for.  My husband and all the my kids were extra gentle with me. And I love and appreciate them dearly for it.  

The moment we found out we were expecting I knew I wanted a natural minimal assisted home or birthing center birth. I pictured it crystals and candles everywhere my husband, my kids. Even had some family request to be in the room. They wanted to see Baby Moon be born. I can hear the soft melancholy music me reciting my birth affirmations, breathing in a jet water jacuzzi with Kurt in the tub with me as we welcome Baby Moon. Like I said I pictured it all.

At 36weeks we found out she was in a breech presentation which means baby was still bottom down and had not yet flipped to vertex position which is when baby’s head is not nestled in the cervix and preparing for birth.  This was a total surprise to me as we all assumed by she would’ve flipped but 36 week sonogram confirmed otherwise. 

So what do we do now? Wtf we’ve been planning, preparing. Completely changed drs out of state specifically to have a natural birth at a birthing center. (I changed my drs at about 20weeks pregnant when I finally found a birthing center near me that was highly recommended)

We quickly went into action. Started seeing a chiropractor 2-3 times a week. Our chiropractor then double teamed with an acupuncturist on her team.  Started seeing the acupuncturist something I thought I’d never ever do well because needles just not something I’d voluntarily have someone do is stick needles in my body. I’ve been converted though so relaxing.  Next step the acupuncturist then introduces me to a reflexologist. In one day I’d do a session with all three talk about a long (relaxing) but also exhausting day. I was doing it all. Every appointment stripped me of all my energy and I’d go straight home as suggested and sleep.  My emotions were all over the place, I kept what was going on to myself until I couldn’t anymore. Something I do very well is suffer in silence and alone. I stay in my head and pray and maybe I’ll share with my husband but this news felt too personal. While I share plenty there are some things too deep without a total breakdown so it goes untouched for sometime.  Having this dream and set desire of mine and Kurt’s lotus birth idea crushed was really a bit much so late in my pregnancy for me. 

Then one day baby’s head moved all the way down to my pelvis area with the doubling teaming of my chiropractor and acupuncturist but by the next morning I woke up felt my belly and shook the sh*t out of my husband and said I think this is her head pointing to right under my right breast. She moved back while I was sleeping. I was now 36 weeks 5 days and would be getting another ultrasound to confirm baby’s position. I was still hopeful but it confirmed what I had already felt baby’s breech in a cold manner the tech said. 

I think this sonogram tech must’ve been hungry cause we grabbed her right before her lunch break and the only reason I didn’t cry with this news was because I wanted to slap the insensitivity out of her. Walking back to the room to speak to my PA was dreadful and I had the fakest grimacing smile - the one when your lips are pressed together so tight so you don’t cry or say wtf really really loud. I was leaning towards crying. 

Again cesarian section is being brought up and I’m totally against surgery when I’ve had two vaginal births and this time finally able to do what I’ve always wanted a water birth. 

I don’t call the chiropractor right away because I just couldn’t even speak...to anyone. She calls me though to check in and immediately makes an appointment for the following day...I go to no avail. Now she’s like oh no baby you’re not messing up my % rate of how many baby’s she’s been able to turn. I admire her effort and willingness to move her schedule around to see me cause she also a mother knew time was against us at now 37 weeks.

In between appointment I was on a bouncy ball, doing yoga, downward dogs, on an inverse incline.  Icing my stomach. I was trying everything.  

Week 38 more tag teaming to no avail. At my 38 week 5 days OB appointment of course cesarian section is being brought up again. While I know this has saved countless mothers and babies, than you have the drs who prefer this method because they have things to do or it pays more, but everything in my body was resisting the idea of it, the thought of it. 15yrs ago almost had an emergency c-section because Baby and I were in so much stress, I was trying to go the natural route no epidural, no meds but my body went into fever with the extended labor of 15 1/2 hrs. By hr 13/14 they prepped me for emergency c-section, gave me epidural the surgeon checking me than walked out and said he’ll be back until my midwife walked in and said I see her head momma get ready to push. I still thank God that she walked in when she did.  Dr Sandra Deitch. Love her til this day. 

Nearing 39 weeks I was reminded this is when cesarians are normally scheduled for the fear that my water may break and I can go into labor. Because I’ve been active because Baby is breech, because it’s my 3rd pregnancy all factors are saying we need to be wise, safe and proactive. I was hearing everything she was saying and she was looking in my eyes and said I know how you Birthing Center moms are I laughed because I guess my eyes were still saying I hear you buttttttt... than she said one last thing would you consider ECV procedure. At this point I thought I have no other choice. I read about it so I already knew what she was referring to. I spent many sleepless nights reading about everything pregnancy.

ECV procedure or external cephalic version is a process when a breech positioned baby is turned manually to birthing position. Like with their bare hands. Its done in a hospital setting and you have to be cleared to have this, not be high risk. Its the real deal you could potentially go into labor with this procedure so the hospital prepares you for that. ie bring your hospital bag just in case. 

Thursday 9.12.19 at 39 weeks I was ready to have my ECV only to find out it was just a consult and not the actual procedure. They manage to get me in the following day per my Dr cause I was pressed for time. 

The team was amazing. Praying that I’ve come all this way to leave with a successful ECV. The odds were 50-50 I read. And there were still chances that Baby Moon 🌙 could turn back even after a successful ECV before my my due date of 9/19/19. 

After fasting for over 10hrs, being pricked by needles and monitored, and my pregnant belly being pushed down on, twisted and turned (the most painful thing I’ve EVER endured) I walked out as being part of the 50% of unsuccessful ECV attempts.  I was crushed. 

After trying for about 10mins or so on and off could’ve been shorter Dr. O said I think we should stop. Not because Baby isn’t moving (she kept moving back every time he and his assistant stopped for a break because I was in too much pain) but because I was in so much discomfort, my was body literally tensing up and for the safety of baby we decided to stop. Baby’s perfectly fine he kept on saying as he looked at the monitor that was monitoring baby’s heart rate and checking the sonogram machine periodically but I want to make the call to stop. 

To be very honest and transparent I felt like a failure. I was BIG MAD. Like pissed. Pissed at my body. Pissed that baby wasn’t cooperating. Already mad at baby then mad at myself for being so damn selfish and stubborn and mad because I had these plans that weren’t going to happen. I was in so much distress, pain, frustration and rage. I just laid there quiet. This was all happening on the inside and translated into tears lots and lots of tears. Dr. O kept on apologizing and I just stared at the muted TV monitor and when people spoke to me I nodded or spoke softly. I couldn’t even recognize my voice. What a waste of time I thought. I was so upset and I hated being that entangled in emotions I couldn’t shake. 

One thought that messed me up, was you can’t even do this and you wanna have a natural birth. I was shocked. I hurt my own dang feelings and cried some more. I haven’t had a negative thought jar me like that in so long. Dr. O than walked out the room and said he’s going to call my Dr to see what her plans were for me. Honestly I’m not sharing this for sympathy pls I don’t want it just want to share what the last month of my overall AMAZING pregnancy experience was. Wanted to document it because I was so use to not documenting my stories if I didn’t like the ending. Not this one. It’s has a beautiful ending. 

I just stared out the window on the 1.5 hr drive home. Didn’t speak didn’t say a word I was starving, disappointed, sad and again feeling like a total failure. My stomach was so sore felt bruised. 

There is always a silver lining. Friday evening while laying in bed I was restless and I finally got the courage to feel whatever I was feeling and also to say to myself stop being so damn focused on an idea. 

The idea of the birthing center or the experience and focus on letting that idea go, so you can enjoy these last couple of days of being pregnant and focus on your beautiful baby being born and how amazing it is going to be to finally hold her in your arms regardless of what method is taken for her to safely get here! 

TRUE!! TRUE!!  I thought. Still crushed. I was allowed to be crushed. 

Saturday morning while having a quiet breakfast mind racing my phone rings it’s a 908 (NJ number) so I pick up and it’s my dr. She was away with her family for the weekend but called to check in with me to see how I was doing. Dr. O had contacted her to let her know that the ECV procedure was unsuccessful. The worst thing she could’ve asked me was how I was doing. My response, I broke all the way down. Y’all I could not believe how loud I sobbed. 

When I heard myself crying it made me cry more. This sob was deep. It was all the things I didn’t say out loud. How alone I felt. All the tears. 

I could tell it surprised her, heck it shocked me! I had just been melancholy, hardly felt like a coach or influencer, barely sharing on social media at this point because everything felt exhausting. I tried to hold on to the little bit of empowering juice I had left to go through the motions. 

If I didn’t show up I didn’t have to act like everything was ok. I could barely talk and after a long silence she says my love I know surgery was the last thing you wanted. It’s the last thing I wanted for you.  I’m now shaking and silent tears were flowing. I know you’re probably beating yourself up she said (I was) but you went above and beyond what most people would do. You tried everything. I needed to hear that. I felt like I was robbed of my magical natural h(OM)e birthing experience with our Baby Moon 🌙 or Kurt and I last baby. And I needed that to resonate in the deepest place where that desire and longing was created to have a natural birth and have it soften that crevice because I woke up mad and belly sore to touch and still terribly all in my feelings. We spoke briefly about setting a date for my cesarian section birth and we ended our conversation by wishing each other a good weekend. 

I’ve never cried to a Dr before. I guess that’s a good thing. Main thing that gave me comfort was she would be there as my Dr just not assisting my natural birth but now my Dr who would be administering my cesarian birth. 

As promised that Monday morning 9/16/19 her office manager called her voice melancholy and soothing because she knew, they all knew. We bonded during this whole experience and she gave me the tour of the birthing center facility and we just connected during this time. So I could imagine this call was not what anyone anticipated. We all planned this and I picked out the birthing room (Room #1) which was so dope and we talked about the music and ambience now we were making the appointment for my cesarian section on 9/19/19 my original due date. This made me happy a bit. I still got to keep my date I thought. 

I think the idea of one more change would have been a bit much so I was happy about that. 9/19/19.

The next couple of days went so fast and all of a sudden it was the night before. Earlier in the day I had washed and moisturized my hair. Gotten my armpits waxed, shaved my legs. I was going to meet Baby Moon 🌙. A baby that was loved so much already. 

It was now the morning of 9/19/19. I had to be there by 7am for a 9am cesarian section. I could barely sleep the night before. I made sure I had everything I needed in my hospital bag. The kids had their bags and overnight clothes. I prayed. Smudged my whole body. My baby bump. We were running late but even after I showered with my thoughts racing I thought there’s one more picture I wanted to take before I never see or feel this baby bump again. 

I adorned my belly with rose quartz waistbeads and rose quartz crystals as I needed all the love energy and got in a tub and laid there and held my belly. Just held it and Kurt came and took pictures of me while in the tub. If I close my eyes I go right back to that day. 

When we got there it was after 10am. Luckily the birth before me was “late.” 

I remember them doing my intake, hooking me up on all the machines. Running blood, monitoring baby. Everything from there was sort f happening fast. I was then led into a bright white room with at least 7 people in there. They were chatting, laughing as I walked in the nurse yelled out a time 10:04am I believe it caught me off guard. I’ll never forget right before they gave me an epidural I put my head down and held onto my Black tourmaline crystal I had in my gown and I just felt my Dr with a softness in her voice say “relax you got this” as she rubbed her thumb at my third eye crown immediately I felt at ease. I could cry just thinking about that moment because I’ll never forget it. I was engulfed in fear. I kept on praying and praying and asking for God to take the fear away and comfort me and not leave my side.

The fear left me. I was holding onto whatever faith I had left.

I remember the tugging, the smell. I went to my quiet place and I remember one of my nurses saying “I love your zen momma but please say something, anything if need be Ok”. I laughed and said ok maybe I was being too zen lol. There were times while Kurt was holding my hand I go off into deep thought and just make a sound and I’d look at Kurt and he’d look at me and I’d grimace to him and say I’m ok. He later thanked me for letting him know I was ok because he felt so powerless.  

Miss Aria (Baby Moon🌙) Soleil 10:46am made her debut that morning. It was all surreal. She saved my life. We all knew and came to terms with the fact that she hadn’t turned into birthing position could be for a reason unknown to us. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her ankles twice. This could’ve been fatal for me especially. When they held her up for me, I only remember looking at her for a split second as my eyes got so blurry and filled with tears and I just kept saying THANK YOU GOD. Thank you that’s all I kept saying repeatedly with eyes closed, tears flowing. She was finally here. They laid her on my chest and again I felt tugging and pulling as I was being put back together as my beautiful baby girl. My goodness was she precious. Just gorgeous. I couldn’t believe she was mine.

She just laid there, then lifted her head up and just looked at me. The tears started flowing again. I couldn’t stop looking at her. Silently I was so overjoyed she was finally here. Finally here safe and my goodness so gorgeous I thought. Just so precious. All I could do was cry.