This chapter is all about diving deeper. Its led me to deciding love is all I want to offer. I’ve fought. I’ve defended. Ive offended. I’ve accumulated things and titles. I’ve denied myself and others of the highest level of love because love was a struggle. Love has been complicated. It has been a lot of red. It took me so many years, and hurts to realize love is not red hot but a cool shade of blue. Thank you Jada Pinkett Smith for this #gentlereminder 

For those who don’t know cause I never want to assume. I have been on this self love, wellness spiritual journey for some time now. I didn’t realize it’s been all my life. I thought this started about 12yrs ago before I had my son Axis. But recently I’ve been reminded that when you’ve felt unloved and have had to fight for nearly everything you have you begin to have this woe is me mentality and think fighting is part of love. Being confrontational and comparing pain is love. 

You begin thinking love through trauma is love and normalize it. But when get a taste of LOVE and it’s warmth or cooling off when that’s what you need you’re like oh shit I’ve had it all wrong. 

Like too many conditions. Too many restrictions. Can’t make mistakes. 

Referring back to my previous post about seeing oneself with the way God sees me/us. When you start looking at everything like that it’s totally blue and not red hot. 

Source has blessed me immensely. 

Self awareness can only be found from source energy. No matter how much you try to find it in relationships, friendships, in our children, our careers or things. 

Love is a journey. 

Love is letting someone just be who they are. Letting them find their way like you’re finding yours. Self love is saying what is me choosing this type of love say about me.

We’re all still learning and healing through a hurt, maybe a childhood trauma, learning and for those who choose to go deeper (daily) have choosing to recognize the depth and layers of our ego. 

You/WE are not the exception. We’re not special. Laying the sword down is crucial. Especially for my fighters. Or the wait let me explain type of person. Not defending. Not commanding or forcing. 

When you are seeking certain levels in understanding, in life conflict with present itself. It’s here to teach. Life is about learning. I’m learning it’s about accepting, it’s about being intentional and mindfully making choices. 

So much to learn. So much to let go off and unpack. And only one source to surrender to. And the right answer is always LOVE. 

Some questions that keep coming up for me and I’d love your feedback on is how has your definition of love impacted how you love and who you show up to be? 

What is it now teaching you? 

Not the best lighting for this B girl buttt I still love what hubby has on lol.

So many people ask us how we first met. People always want to know our story. Long story long... lol we went to grade school together. I’ve loved Kurt since I was a little younger than our first child together. I was 12-13 and I had a school girl crush on him. We shortly became bf/gf after that.

About 2 yrs later he would move to FL and we’d completely lose touch.

I remember sending him letters while he was in FL and I never got a letter back. SO we did what anyone would do, we both moved on with our lives.

I had heard around town that he was back but I hadn’t seen him and I didn’t ask about him. I wondered for a short while but never entertained the subject. We were finished. That was the past. I have to admit I was over the fact that he never tried to reach out to me. And besides we were both different ppl by than and had moved on.

Fast forward to 8 long years later, a marriage, two children, a separation I heard once after relocating once again he was back in town. A cousin of mine, said hey Kurts back in town…I immediately responded what that have to do with me? She said I’m going to give him a call maybe we can grab a bite to eat…I entertained it and said whatever why not. She called. He answered lol I hear her say as I’m walking around the house I have a surprise for you someone you might recognize and my eyes bug out and I’m like I don’t want to talk to him…hands phone over and I kid you not from hello he has me cracking up. Nonstop laughing. I wasn’t ready for all that I had a long day dealing with a my past and you sometimes when you don’t even want to laugh, like let me be upset and in my emotions. Nope. We did some catching up, me mostly laughing. That night the three of us went out to eat. I literally made my mind up that evening I had to be done with an abusive and mentally draining relationship. I cant remember laughing this much in so long.

No one knew how chaotic my relationship was until that day while at dinner. I remember being totally mortified that on the first day since we’ve seen each other in years here I am nestled in drama. But something struck me when towards the end of our dinner he said I hope you’re not going back with dude. I literally wanted to slide out the booth and disappear I don’t even remember what my response was but I remember what his following words were, “if ever you need something to take your mind off that... call me, no attachments, just as a friend”. We can go out to eat, whatever or we could just talk…just not that. While this gesture was beautiful, in my mind I thought I’d never call Kurt again, esp not for dinner or to hang out alone. I was not looking for a relationship, he had two small children that he was sole caretaker for. I thought I don’t even trust this guy... in front of me was the first guy who broke my heart and left me so many years ago.

Fastforward to our first official date :p I remember him bringing up stories about his life while living in FL, stating that no one contacted him, he felt abandoned...I learned that he went against his will. Found out mid school yr that his family had made the decision to move to FL but to send him first. I let him go on and at that point I said wait I wrote you...he looked puzzled and responded I would’ve remembered you writing me. I stated I wrote you several times and never got a response and I sent one last letter saying I was moving on and that I’d wait if he wrote back.
He never got my letters. For years I wondered why he never wrote me back.

It’s no telling that when something is for you whether it’s a love, a job, a home, a goal, a dream if it is meant for you it will always be yours....

No matter time, distance, other relationships or situations ect it does not matter.

A few months ago while at a Master Mind Seminar together hundreds of us did an exercise... the room was separated into two groups my group had their eyes closed, Kurt’s group had to walk around the room and tell someone something you’ve always needed to hear or something you know someone needs to hear.

I nearly fell out when I heard someone whisper “I never forgot about you” eyes still closed tears started rolling. I never realized how much I or my younger self needed to hear those words.

So thank you for always saying the things I need to hear even when I don’t realize how much I need it. How much it will change the direction of my life.

Thank you for being just a stand up guy. A God fearing man. A man who works hard, and is cool AF and can be entirely who you are wherever you are in any given circumstance.

Thank you for growing with me through this journey and loving and honoring me in each stage of our journey together.

So happy I get to do life with you.